Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Greetings and salutations loyal readers, it has been some time since last I posted anything. This is mainly due to a lack of inspiration and a general malaise. But why now? What has caused me to make an Ali like return to the blogosphere? Well today I come to you with a news alert/warning/revelation, people are having sex on our city streets.
Okay, maybe not so much a revelation as a theory of mine and not just some pie-in-the-sky theory either but the only conclusion I could come to after weighing all the evidence. What evidence is that you ask? Well I’m basing this entirely on the relative frequency with which I come across used condoms and empty condom wrappers while walking the city streets.
I would think many of you have seen similar sights in your life and, like me, usually carry on as you would if these discarded prophylactics were any other piece of trash. However last week while on a long walk for the sake of walking (something I will discuss at a later date) I spied one of those now familiar torn shiny wrappers resting snugly up against the curb. As I had no aim in my stroll I was able to devote my powerful intellect and imagination to this junked jimmy hat.
My first thought as usual was “eww gross” followed by “well at least somebody is getting laid.” It was this second thought that put me on this meandering muse. Naturally the torn wrapper suggests someone had sex, but I began to wonder as to where they were doing it that would result in the packaging being left on the ground.
A simple answer would be that this was just a byproduct left behind by a member of our economies prominent nocturnal workforce. But this was a relatively quiet neighbourhood far from the glamorous lights of downtown or the dimly lit street corners of our more eccentric neighbourhoods. So as I continued to walk I pondered further as to the source of this Durex dilemma.
I thought perhaps it was merely an escaped piece of garbage, spilled from a can by some raccoons then carried away by the wind or possibly fallen off the back of a garbage truck. This theory didn’t hold water in its reservoir tip as I’ve encountered to many rubbished rubbers for it to be that simple.
My next thoughts were maybe someone had been revving it up in their car, certainly not a novel idea. This thought also bothered me, as it would suggest a certain level of carelessness in throwing garbage out the window. Which I guess is understandable in the heat of the moment. Actually I suppose it would have to be thrown out the window, because the logistics of a package tear, pinch and roll down before getting in the car are a little confusing. Suggesting to me either a very eager young man or a rather presumptuous one.
It also crossed my mind this discarded baby dam was simply the result of unbridled passion perhaps a couple stumbling home from a party too hot’n’bothered to wait for the privacy of a closed door. Or maybe a teenage couple saddled with parents unwilling to have such activities take place under their roof.
There is even the possibility that the commercials have it right. That this was truly a Cialis moment and the time was right. Or maybe just an exhibitionist couple enjoying the fresh air. There is also the chance that I am just not living an adventurous enough life.
Another facet of this Trojan trivia is that I’ve seen used condoms and many a torn wrapper but very rarely have I seen the two in close enough proximity to suggest there were from the same event. So with all these possibilities I was unable to come up with a solid explanation as to the source of that particular procreation protector. The one thing I was and am pretty sure of is that somebody was having sex near by.
At some point everyone has heard the expression ‘if these walls could talk.” Well I can’t help but ask, if these Lifestyles could talk what story would they tell? No matter what the answer is I’m sure it would be a doozy and one I would surely like to hear.