The Guy Waiter

This is something that if you’re a friend of mine we may have discussed in the past. It’s something that I almost want to put into my Maligned Maneuvers category, but doesn’t quite cut it. This is more of a situation than a maneuver and the best examples occur when dining at a certain type of chain restaurant. Eateries such as Cactus Club, Earls, Milestones, Joeys, Moxies and of course The Shark Club. The situation being when you are seated in the section of the one guy waiter. I understand that this particular gripe is somewhat gender specific but I’m going make it anyway.

The main reason I don’t like getting the guy waiter is pretty obvious, I’d prefer a buxom young filly in tight clothes to bring my food and drink instead of some Brad. Lets be honest I’m not there for the quality board of fare, not that I oft frequent these establishments but when I do it’s usually with three or four of my buddies for a little chow and a lot of drinks. So having an attractive staff is a strong selling point.

On top of that, being the sophisticated young men my friends and I are it’s nice to make lewd comments amongst each other when our server is away from the table. So when we do get seated at a table by one of the bevy of hot hostesses and are informed, “Andrew will be along shortly to take your order” it’s a bit of a let down.

I think it’s also fair to say tips won’t be as much for a man as when the food is placed on the table by an attractive young woman who has to stretch out to reach the far end of the booth. It should come as no surprise that men are easily susceptible to long eyelashes and a full bust. Sure it’s a less than classy admission, but meh.

 I think this notion is probably not lost on the male servers either. Sure it isn’t a fair practice but good service being equal, I’m more likely to loosen my purse strings for a tight fitting dress than some shmuck trying to be my buddy. Oh yes, the buddy-buddy approach.

If you’re not familiar with the buddy-buddy approach, be thankful. The classic intro in this approach usually sounds something like,

“How we doin’ boys? Cool cool. Can I get you some drinks to get the night started? Alright, alright. Are you eating full meals or just some appies and drinks before hitting the town? Nice, well I’ll get those right out for you.”

Occasionally there is one final part to this approach that pushes it over the top and that is the tableside crouch. When the waiter sits down on his haunches and maybe lowers his voice to see about the night’s plans, for the purpose, I guess, of being one of the gang. The absolute capper is the rare but brutal knuckle rap on the table as he departs.

This tactic occurs, I believe, when the waiter knows he’s up against some tough critics – in a group of young men – so tries a little too hard to be friends with the customers. I have friends, evidenced by the table of fellow patrons. So I don’t need a new one, particularly one who is there to bring me my food. It’s not personal, just part of being a greazzy twenty-something.

As a final note I’ll say it’s been a while since I’ve experienced this situation, mainly because I don’t sup at these restaurants that often anymore. In part due to the vast array of quality food available in the is fair city and because when you start pushing 40 bucks after tax and tip for a couple beers and a mediocre burger, it sucks.  So considering how rare I visit these chow halls combined with the less than stellar pricing, it is particularly shitty when you get the guy waiter.