In this piece of writing I would like to introduce the first of what will no doubt be many similar musings. I put them all in the category of my Most Maligned Maneuvers.
Close reading of the title of this entry should give you a pretty good idea of what it is. This particular move happens when a person “the defender” finds themselves crossing the street - best examples will occur at large intersections - about halfway across the road said pedestrian comes into contact with an acquaintance “the attacker” who for some reason feels it necessary to start a conversation. Thus creating an awkward moment in which the defender has to do some very quick decision-making.
“Do I keep this very brief, just say hi and keep moving? Do I stand in the middle of the crosswalk and create a tableau for motorists to watch? Do I backtrack to my side of the street and continue the conversation on land? Do I try for the power play and make this fool backtrack and follow me? Or do I simply snub this useless schmuck of the poorly timed gab and get on with my day?”
I think you’d agree that these are a lot of choices to be made in the short time it takes to walk across the road.
Now you might be asking yourself why I deem conversing with a friend so unpleasant. It is because in my experience such a person is usually not a very good friend, if a friend at all or even worse a Facebook friend.
This fact of pseudo friendship is what sticks in my craw the most. I, at the best of times can be described as grouchy and am not one who ever finds himself in the mood to chit-chat with a casual acquaintance. If this person were actually a good friend of mine they would know this. So I always do my best to avoid having to talk at all or if I can get away with it even acknowledging this windbag exists and here’s how.
Thanks to technology the ability to completely ignore someone is becoming easier all the time. So for those of you like me who don’t care to waste words with some yokel in the middle of the road, I suggest always walking with an iPod or equivalent music device. This electronic shield is the first and best line of defense, it allows you to either ignore them entirely or give just a simple head bob as you pass by. It will deter all but the most insistent of twits.
Should you encounter a more persistent conversationalist and find yourself stuck in a roadway repartee there are other options. My favourite is the PowerPlay. In this maneuver you’ll have to feign interest in this schmuck and convince him/her that if the conversation is to go on it needs to take place on the safety of the sidewalk. Here is where the power move comes in. Using either sly hints or sheer will power you have to force the ‘attacker’ to turn around and return to their original side of the street.
I like this move because after ending the exchange you are free to continue on your way all the while having forced them to once again wait for the light to change. A subtle (and petty) but rewarding punishment for the inconsiderateness of an asinine exchange of pleasantries. The PowerPlay doesn’t always work and sometimes the ‘attacker’ will realize the folly in a mid-stream discussion and keep moving, which is just as good an outcome.
There is still one more scenario that is even worse than having to engage in some small talk with your crosswalk competitor. I speak of the time when you are standing on the corner waiting for the light to change and you see this person across the street and they see you. And you know that very shortly you’ll be faced with all the dilemmas described above.
In that moment you can usually see it in their eyes. A little spark of fecklessness as they quickly scan their brains for some useless banter. Should this happen there is no real escape. It’s the eye contact that was your ruin. They know you saw them, you know they saw you seeing them and they know you know they saw you seeing them. You’re hooped.
One last note in that all of this goes out the window if the person you encounter is a dear friend or say a family member. This poses an entirely different set of challenges, as it is hard for even the curmudgeonliest of us to shut down ones own mother. In that case you’ll just have to endure and hear about how the cats are doing or cousin Freddy’s trip to Mexico. Which just may be the absolute worst case of the Intersection Crosswalk Interception Stop’n’Talk.
No comments:
Post a Comment